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SOPHOMORE year
im gonna talk about how highschool is stupid
stupid not only in the sense of the flawed learning system(which would be a lot to get into, so maybe that will be another post for another time), but in the sense of the meaningless small talk, cliques, fake friendliness, and most of all crushes. yes, crushes the one thing us teenagers obsess over more nowadays than social media, and we have now ever since- well the invention of the social system that demands we stay in monogamous relationships. but when you really think about it, if we didnt have relationships, at all, things would be a lot easier. but thats comming from someone(me) who is scared of commitment, and rightfully so considering i hate the touchy-feely-mushy stuff of relationships. i like relationships with people who i can talk to- on an intellectual level, and not just the pointless batter of "how was your day" i mean actual discussions, on things that they think and know. things they idealize and have opinions on. oh and sex why cant relationships just be that? intellectual sharing of ideas, and sex? not all this romance shit. why do i have to ask a girl out when i dont even know if she shares the same ideas on relationships than me? i mean i hate when people touch me. (besides sex i guess) i dont want to hug or cuddle with you... especially in public. why do people feel the need to cuddle in public and why do i have to always make the initiative in relationships ok ill stop and get into what made me think about all this. three girl- four now that i think about- wait five. girls have a crush on me(or atleast i think), and well it may be flattering all the spamming on snapchat, laughing at every single word i say, and talking about how they are waiting for that special guy, or have this crush on a guy and wont say who. can get a bit annoying. or like at that powderpuff game when nancy kept questioning my sex life. which is none of her business................... is just too much. just say something, i dont even care if you like me or not just say why you are acting like this! nancy if obvious as fuck but the others ehhh... i dont know them that well enough yet, considering i just got paired with them in science, and there is amelia (or whatever fake name i used, i honestly forgot) who has been dropping the same hints as i said above. its all just so confusing. but i need to say this now, since my mind thinks i should. kris (using a fake name, his name irl is a lot more attractive) , god dammit the biggest crush i have ever had in my life. i would probably do anything he says. anything. (god i feel like such a degenerate) and i know what you are thinking: "but kevin you just said that people should tell you that they like you, why dont you do the same?" its more complicated. its with another guy so, in general things will be more complicated, i honestly dont know if he is bi or gay or whatever the fuck so i cant just go up to him and ask to be in a secret gay relationship and asking a guy out would not be the best for my reputation, to say the least. and ive been preety good at staying "in the closet" and its preety comfy in here. let me just say. i dont just wanna be known as "that one gay kid" (even though im not even gay, bi tbqh fam) so i cant i just...... cant. my crush on kris in general though is really shallow, i only like him due to his 1. aggressive personality (which most people are lacking nowadays) 2. that he is pretty attractive in my book 3. he plays sports (i ironically only like guys who play sports, which is strange because its the opposite with girls.) so... yea. i dont have anything else to say right now i just had to brain dump that. and this entire post was petty af
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wow
what a fun time, an amazing time to be alive (i only get 2 more of these) i guess ill start from the beginning, powderpuff game with a girl im gonna call nancy, you are a fucking cunt nancy and amelia, ugh so i went to the game because i had to clean up, that was my one job, and i really didn't expect much from it. i met one of my friends linda (he is a guy) there and i said hi and sat next him, bored i got up and moved because i saw amelia at upper corner of the bleachers. i went up there and was greeted by nancy, (a girl i met last year in spanish, kind of annoying if you ask me) who gave me a bear hug, the entire time i was looking at amelia with a "help me" face after that i sat down and talked to amelia a bit, and nancy was constantly hovering over me and not to mention trying to talk to me over and over, i sat down like 3 seats lower from amelia, with two other friends from last year, beth and alice and guess who decided to sit next to me! nancy!!! at this point i was getting annoyed and started to ignore her a bit trying to send the signal of "get the fuck away from me" she continued talking, and touching me and commenting on how i looked like i hated the world (which is partially true) when she eventually left i finally started to open up and talk to beth and alice, it was a good 15 minutes THEN NANCY SHOWED UP AND DID HER THING! aka touching, and trying to talk to me (about my sex life mind you, which made me extremely uncomfortable) i knew she had a crush on me, but she is annoying, and ugly as fuck so i really was sending the signals of "i dont like you back" but she still hasnt got the hint anyway, i dont want to give her that much attention, so anywho, amelia, during all of this she was in the top corner of the bleachers, like 2 or 3 rows away from me, i gave her a few glances and she was with this guy (i didnt really know he was her boyfriend), and eventually they started cuddling and shit which admittedly made me jealous, i had a secret crush on amelia, but i figured i shouldn't worry about it. (this is important for when i get the dance part) so anyway nancy finally left, and i spent the rest of the night with beth and alice, after they left i got to clean up! yay now for field day (the day between doesnt matter) field day is a big deal at my school, basically the entire school all gets into one gym and we do events and crap, its basically all the classes vs each other seniors and sophomores vs juniors and freshman and sophomores vs freshmen with seniors vs juniors. its really fun! or atelast it was last year the sophomores and seniors always win (spoiler alert), last year i sat in the middle of the bleachers, it was really uncomfortable and awkward since i was baisically kicking and being kicked by the people around me. so i decided to be the genius that i am and sit at the side of the bleachers, with a huge crowd of people. i didnt sit down... ...at all! and i couldnt see a thing, so basically it was like going to a concert, wait no that has music its like going to a football game, and sitting infront of a giant bush, except that bush is hot sweaty people who forgot to put on deodorant. eventually near the end i cut my loses and sat down on the side bleachers and played on my phone waiting for it to be over i got looks from teachers and other people who probably think i was depressed or something, but i was just having an awful time (no worries guys) alright, now to more story!!!!1 after field day, that night i went to the bonfire, this year i have been pushing myself to be a better, more well rounded highschool student like actually have friends that do things so i walked up there and was greeted by... you guessed it all my friends (haha just kidding) i was alone, and awkwardly paced around waiting for them to actually light the goddamn thing but wait!!!!!! i wasnt alone!!!!!! nancy and her group of friends was there, i hung out with them to keep from the expense of looking like a social outcast. and i regret it! she was being her usual self constantly touching me, pointing out what im doing wrong, and you know just talking with me flirtatiously the entire time i was just thinking to myself (light the goddamn, fire.) it took them a good two hours to light it, and after spending 15 minutes with nancy they finally lit it. but, there was one girl in her group of friends who was defending me from nancy (aka whenever nancy would say: "oh wow kevin, your so anti social" the girl who i will call... Riley, would be like "he is just acting like a normal human, standing.) so @riley i have a kind of crush on you since your nice, and above kinda cute. anywho, the fire was done burning and i told everyone i was leaving, but nancy insisted that she and her group of friends walk home with me. i agreed and we walked to my old elementary school, which is on the way to my house. we got there and i only stayed because i reallllllyyyyy wanted to swing, and play on old playground equipment i havent seen in years. so i did that and one of her friends, i kid you not said this to me: "your hot, if you have money ill give you a blowjob" he was a guy too, and i mean i kind of considered it but i didnt have any money and he looked like jack frost mixed with dylan the hacker, so i didnt get a blowjob that night. i left the playground and nancy followed me, she wanted a hug, but i physically refused, making her settle with a highfive, and fist bump. i took the long way around and entered my house through the back (just in case i was being trailed, i really dont want them to know where i live) and now for the actual dance! homecoming, i got all spruced up, in a tie and shit, i was genuinely excited. i was gonna meet beth and alice there and it was gonna be great! right??????? nope i got there and waited in line for like 15 minutes listening to a group of girls and their gay friend pipe on about how cool and different they are, to just pay for my ticket (which was $25!!). so, i got in met beth and alice but they weren't alone! they had a few others with them, which was fine but, in the group, there, were some that were from nancy's friend group i really didnt want to dance in front of them, so i walked back into the commons got some lemonade and went back in there! ready to do this! but instead i just stood at the side of a circle watching my friends and other people dance. i saw this girl, a freshman who is in my health class, i get the felling she has a crush on me (which is cool, she is actually a cool person unlike nancy) she waved and stuff and we met later in the dance near the commons, because i was getting some water, we talked and she told me how i looked really bored, and how i should dance and stuff but i couldn't tell her my whole story at the moment, so i gave a few quick bullshit answers and let her be. she smiled at me and said this: we only get a couple of homecomings so you should enjoy this one. i took that to heart. when i walked back in i found my friends at the upper corner of the gym and guess go on guess who was there did you guess? nancy the fucking cunt she was trying to force me to dance, but i did not want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me dance so i backed out onto the wall and played on my phone amelia showed up with her boyfriend (who at this point i completely forgot about), she also wanted me to dance, and even her boyfriend went in and started trying to get me to dance. but at that point i was just over it, i got out of that shitfest and went into the commons, got some water and i remeber what that girl had said: we only get a couple of homecomings so you should enjoy this one. and at that moment you may be thinking, so is this the part where you start going crazy and dancing, and flirting and having tons of fun right? nope this is the part where i realize that me trying to be something im not is stupid, this entire week i have just been going with the group because i was too afraid to be alone, at powderpuff, at the bonfire, and even at school. i was constantly putting up with bullshit that i didn't need. with friends i didnt want, because i didnt want to be seen as "that creepy loner kid" but she made me realize, that being alone doesnt matter. i can dance and do whatever i want by myself. it doesnt matter if i have people to do it with, and i also dont need to keep doing something i dont want to do. like this stupid fucking dance. so i went to my friends and told them i was leaving, and i walked out. and that was my homecoming, made me realize that you dont need to do things that other people think are fun but you dont, i guess that was the lesson? For starters, let me apologize in advance for my last post. I don't know what came over me, but I will have all of you know that after that day I went back to my pessimistic self. So I guess I should give recap of my week.
Nothing special for almost the entire week except for a few things, my brother left for college, I got annoyed(oboy what a surprise) and I had a life changing self journey that last 4 hours. So my brother left for college, and the least I can say about that is this: fucking finally. Me and my brother don't admittedly have the best relationship, that being that we hardly talk to eachother and when we do it's not the friendliest of collisions. All he does is complain about everything and acts like a victim when at the same time, he spouts out some nonsense about him hating people who act like victims and people who complain. Which is extremely hypocritical coming from him if you can't already assume that. Secondly, he has absolutely no respect for anyone other than himself. Not to mention he can't keep his mouth shut, going back to the respect thing he will yell at you if you ask him to go do something. He will also turn a debate into a shouting match if you disagree with anything he says. He also doesn't know not when talk or say something inappropriate. For example, if my dad asks him to something he will yell and call him stupid, which has lead to some moments when I actually thought he would get kicked out of the house- but I don't have to worry about that because he is finally gone. (And I didn't even get into the fact that he is a vegan, gay, spiritualist). I got annoyed, like I said, what a surprise. So I assume anyone who is reading this remembers Ryan from my very first post well, while on my life changing journey that lasted 4 hours I got stoped by him and today, was bring your own cup for a slurpie day at 7/11. He asked me to come and I said no, he said okay and went with his friend Max instead, I have some things to say about Max, but that is for another day. Anyway, when I got back from my life changing journey guess who fucking rang my doorbell, Max, and Ryan. I ran and opened the door and was greeted by both of them, they asked if I wanted to go longboarding, I said this, "no, i'm tired." Hoping they would just go away, but they asked me about 4 times while at the door and I said "no i'm tired" each time. They looked pretty disappointed and tried to play that mopey bullshit hoping I would take pity on them, but I didn't because I have no sympathy for these people. I really hope that now they got the hint, because earlier in the week they walked home with me. I say it like that because I had my headphones in, and they walked next to me, and apparently they didn't get the hint that I don't like them then and I don't think they will get it now. Oh well, at least it gives me something to vent about. Now the moment you have all been waiting for! My life changing journey that lasted 4 hours! Yes, this was amazing. Now what was it you ask? Well no, it wasn't shrooms or something weird like that, it was a reallllyyy long walk. Why you ask? I don't really know exactly "why" I did it but for the most part I am happy that I did, I myself haven't been just outside in nature in probably like 2 weeks. So this was good for me it was relaxing and it really just made me appreciate things a bit more. I don't really know if I can explain why it was life changing, it was just simply the fact that - I am trying to change myself this year and going on a 4 hour nonstop walk with little to no water was not really something I ever planned on doing, and so I did it and I am proud of myself. /end Yea, so I don't really know if I will do this weekly, probably daily actually because it's a nice venting space, for me personally, and from what I learned in health today, it's healthy to vent.
Yes, health one of the classes - so far I am really happy I took, we are learning mostly about metal health, if you even want to call this unit that. Basically we are learning about why failing is important and the healthy stages of learning. Today we listened to a lecture by our teacher about failing and trying again and how failing is good. Probably now, if any of you have heard an inspirational speech before the warning bells of cliche are lighting up in your head but listen, its a cliche because it fucking true We as people - especially growing up always want to fit in, we can constantly say that we are different and try not to be, "with the mainstream" but the one goal for any kid in high school is to fit in - like it or not. And, that is perfectly fine, but from what I learned today that when you stop- just stop caring what people think about you whether it be your high school crush - the popular kids, or even your friends, your problems, the massive stress that is on your back just goes away. It's a long process, and the first few steps to being yourself are always the hardest, but I promise anyone who is reading - it's worth it. The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself, so love yourself, respect yourself and don't be afraid to laugh at the mistakes you make - your first step - and tumble was a mistake, but look at you now walking on two legs. (Sorry for sounding like an inspirational facebook quote up there, I promise I will try to be less of a cliche) So my day was really good, after adopting that philosophy that I learned in health I was happy, and less cynical than I have ever been, I talked to the people I wanted, I even sat a lunch table with completely random people and had a really long conversation with them. My only complaint - lunch was and still is too short. So I regret not talking about what I did freshman year, because looking back I could have at least laughed at some of the stupid shit I was worried about. So this year I decided that I will try to post on a blog weekly, because me being a procrastinating asshole, knows that I can't do this shit every day.
The first week of school is always the same, unless you move schools like I did last year- but that isn't what this is about. I did what I normally do on the first day of school, stay out of the limelight and maybe talk to some of my friends, if I could ever find them. After trading schedules over the summer I thought I had a pretty good lineup for classes and friends, but boy was I wrong. The only classes that I have friends are Health, and Math, the rest of the people in those other classes are either acquaintances, people I don't know, and people who I hate. So this year is already shaping up pretty well. At least I didn't get any classes with Ryan (I'm using a fake name for the sake of anyone ever finding this). Ryan, the one person last year who I hung out with, outside of school, I thought I could form a decent friendship with what seemed like a normal person. Wrong, after school ended I cut, basically most of my friends out of my life and just had some time to breath for about a month or two, and then Ryan starts texting me like crazy. He thinks that I hate him now or something because "I've been ignoring him," Mind you, he did send me like 1 text within the span of that month and so after he sent me that storm of texts; I hung out with him. But then he constantly wanted to hang out and, he knew where I lived so he would go up to the door and ring the doorbell, and with my parents constantly thinking i'm lonely- and depressed, I would have to hang out with him. There are some more things about Ryan too, he is overly sarcastic, and - there is a limit especially for me. He is constantly complaining, about everything, and he is a needy little bitch. He consistently is joking about every- last- thing, which is just annoying as fuck when I myself am kind of a serious person. It really doesn't help that he complains about everything- whether it be to hot or too cold or i'm not talking to him enough. Now don't even get me started on his neediness. So the night before the first day of school Ryan wants to play GTA V with me, a really fun game, especially online. I said, and I quote, "I don't want to tonight." We played it for the past month every night and it was getting boring. He then starts to flood me with texts begging me to come on saying "You're not a man if you don't come on," and stupid shit like that. I ignored him and turned off notifications on my phone and woke up the next day with about 12 unread texts, most of them just begging me to play with him. He still thinks I am one of his good friends though, I don't really know how to break it to him because we don't see each other at all throughout the day, but if the time comes, I guess. I could go on with how annoying Ryan is, and how completely opposite he was revealed to be, to my personality but I wont, I know if some people are reading, and they may not see why I don't like Ryan - I maybe have not explained it well enough but to sum it up, he just annoys me, every- single- thing- about- him-, from his voice, to his interests, to his appearance, and to his personality. I just can't stand the kid. So, back to the first week, my schedule is actually decent this year, no college-level account class to worry about (long story). So I guess I will get into what I think of each class. Period 1 - Health Ahhhh... Health, the one class I took to BS my PE credits. Honestly, though, it's probably going to be a great class, I have one of my best friends from last year in it, Amelia, she is a goth girl who doesn't give a shit about anything, and I can appreciate that in a person. We had science last year together and I really formed a close friendship with her. The teacher is pretty nice but I get the feeling that she got the short end on the stick with health, she doesn't really seem like she wanted to be there but- oh well. She talks a lot but so far doesn't get that much engagement from the students. Period 2 - English II So probably one of my most well rounded classes this year, I don't hate anyone in it all, well I don't really know anyone in it at all but that doesn't matter. Right now I am sitting with a friend from last year this really smart kid named Zack, he is a bit on the chubby side but at least I have someone to talk about star wars lore with. The teacher is pretty great so far- she seems a bit on the crazy side but that's a good thing, definitely far left on the PC spectrum. On the first day of class she asked this, "How many of you girls consider yourself a feminist." I don't really take any mind to it but I don't think that's something very appropriate to talk about on the first day - in and English class. Other than that though she seems really cool. Period 3 - Spanish II I BARLEY passed Spanish I last year, luckily I was a total teachers pet, and she passed me so I wasn't that one sophomore in a class of freshman, thank god. But, I think karma came to bite me in the ass because I got one of the hardest Spanish teachers in the school, she only speaks in Spanish and we have to ask permission in Spanish to talk in English, so that'll be a blast. I know a couple people in that class but, there is a surprising amount of Freshman, I didn't know that you could take Spanish I in middle school but- I guess I was never really the over achiever. Period 5 - World History Fucking fuck- I am going to hate the shit out of this class. I am going to rant on and on about this class for the following reasons, I do not know a SINGLE person in the entire class, I haven't even seen there faces before, the class is full of idiots, and its in a trailer. I talked about earlier how on the first day it seems like I never get in a class with my friends - ever. Well I am usually right, this is different, I don't know a single face in the entire class, at least I know who the people vaguely are in most of my classes but I don't know anyone. The class is full of the - um less than intelligent people usually I get put in the average classes but this is weird, we all know there is that one class that they put all the stupid people in, even though the name of the class is the same as the average course it exists, yea well I got put in that one class. Lastly but certainly the worst thing about this class is, it's in a trailer, now my highschool has a trailer outside because they needed two extra classrooms. Yes, I said two extra classrooms that means that my "classroom" size is half of a trailer. That's not even the worst of it, it gets really hot in there because the school doesn't bother to fix the AC, and I can't imagine during the winter how cold it will get, and the noise, oh my god, the noise. I never realized how loud such a small space could get but it gets so loud I can't even think, usually I can just tune it out but this is as loud as a school cafeteria times 100. Period 6 - Biology Honors Now, I am just as surprised as the next guy as to why I got honors, my science teacher last year wouldn't let me take normal Biology, so here I am in an Honors bio class. It's not all bad the people in it aren't that stupid, and I know a good chunk of the people in there, i'm not friends or even acquaintances with them but they know who I am, and I know who they are so that's good at least. As for the teacher, she is I think actually crazy, a risk taker or something like that it seems like, while going over our syllabus she listed all the cuss words we couldn't say out loud. +10 points respect, she is also the sponsor for the LGBT+ alliance club which is pretty cool. Period 7 - Geometry This class is the best, one of the only classes where I have a group of friends I can talk to, the teacher is super laid back but also retains control of the class which is really nice. I don't have anything bad to say about this class at all, the teacher, and the people are all awesome. Not to mention is a really small class with only about 12 people total in it. Period 8 - Drawing and Painting Something about this class just makes me feel uncomfortable, maybes its me being one of the only 3 sophomores in the entire class or the fact that I get weird looks from the people across the room, or maybe its that fact that the art teacher has a really soft voice and always sounds condescending but, I think it's that I am just not comfortable in the class at all. Its weird I always feel so cozy in an art class, the one place where I really open up to people but this class just seems so draw back, and boring to say the least. She had us start off with some boring ass project where we combine 6 symbols that represent us into one piece, maybe it's just not my forte or something like that. Overall, my first week back was uneventful, that's why this is mostly backstory and don't worry most of my posts will hopefully not be giant word walls. |
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October 2016
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